I don't think I know how to deal with what I'd call "the real world". I have a fear of the world-- as cowardly as that sounds, I sorta do. But I know that once I get myself out there, I'll realize that it's not so bad after all.
It's just that, I'm really a reserved person. And it's killing me. I don't know how to voice out what is really inside of me, and that frustrates others around me. I am just so used to directions and instructions (perhaps?).. to a point that I don't know how to make a way for myself, on my own. I'd much rather someone tell me what to do (not all the time).
나도 참 답답하다. 좋은 writer됬으면 좋겠다. 그보다 사람들에게 나의 마음을 제대로 전달하는 사람이 되었으면 좋겠다. 나는 욕심쟁이-- 내가 원하는 데로만 할려고 한다. When things are not as what I would want or desire, I don't TRY to venture forth. And that's being STUBBORN.
큰 문제: 행위를 취하는것. Get moving.
그리고 또 한 문제: losing interest in just about everything..
And ultimately, not able to offer my life as a true and living sacrifice.
God, why do you have us make decisions?? Is this a season for making decisions? I know there are many areas in our lives, no matter how minuscule, that involve our own discretion all the time. Yet I am a person that has a hard time with bigger decisions. Or at least that's what I think..
You KNOW me better than anyone else. I am utterly afraid at times to have a say. Of course not all the time.. I have a stronger opinion towards others and their lives.. but I never seem to get the courage to have an opinion for my own life.
Where? is the question. And For What? Time is of essence. (really)
Help me to just get moving right now. And grant me wisdom and discernment!!! Your timing is so important. Speaking of timing.. something happened today. It is pretty funny if you think about it. But it was not funny at the time..
There was a planned get-together with family and relatives for our mom's early b-day celebration. I guess it was planned awhile back and only recently have we been reminded. So, we start reminding each other about it.. Dad alerts mom and my sister, my mom has my sister check her text message on the phone, my sister in return tells us the time and the place-- all was correct except for the date. Somehow someone in our family began to think it might be today, and then the misinformation got carried on, penetrating our own minds. And we didn't bother to recheck the dates.. So all of this miscarriage of info is taking place while we get ready for "tonight's" dinner. We wonder why none of our relatives are calling us.. but we still get ready anyways. Finally we rush to the restaurant and find out there isn't any reservation under the name! How odd. We then call up a relative who supposedly made the reservation. She says she has, and that she even got a confirmation number. We ask her if she is sure. We ask her the place and time.. which was correct. So we just stand there wondering.. until mom decides to recheck the text message with the date. "Are you serious?" That was our first reaction.. To see whether the reservation was indeed tomorrow, we get confirmation from the restaurant worker. We don't dare bother calling our relatives. It was a very very sad moment.. all of us walking out of the restaurant-- dumbfounded.. and no one to blame but ourselves. I was personally just really exasperated and angry--I don't know why, I wasn't mad at anyone in particular. It was just my anger flaring up. (this is my bad side) Everyone else was just a bit silent. We decide to go to a nearby Indian restaurant. There we unwind and my mood gets better. Afterwards, we decide to walk around perusing.. to fill up the 1.5 hour we put upon our parking meter. We go to get some chocolate Eunice really craved that day. Then to Barnes! There I bought a Christian book (For Women Only) that GSN suggested us to read. Cuz my parents had Barnes card, I was able to get the book for a bit less-- that little discount made me feel better. Not to mention feeling good in general cuz you buy a book for yourself!!
AHH* So though we made a stupid mistake, which could have had greater consequences if the situation was more grave.. it was an opportune time for the whole family to have a night out. But still, it was a mistake I wish we hadn't made.
I think God looks at us, shaking His head.. we busy oursevles so much that we don't even realize that we miss God's timing. Sometimes, it's an honest mistake.. but sometimes we are just purly disobedient.. following our own hearts and desires. I'm sure this happens many many times. If only we could keep still and listen, spend more quality time with Him, our lives would have much more purpose and meaning to it than what we could ever do with it. How foolish we are, thinking we KNOW all things, thinking this world is everything. GOsh, there's SOO much more to God's world.. and I am DESPERATE to know and experience that.
Philippians 3:12-14 Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.