Wednesday, September 10, 2008

Beginning of all things

'Tis the season.. of school!
As much as I relished at the thought of being back at school, being busy and useful, I haven't had much time to be prepared for all the drastic changes.. All is going by in such a blur at times. I've been wondering why that is.

Well, there was the death of a beloved family member: my grandfather. His name is John Vanderwerff. Grandfather John was my Dutch step-grandfather.. and I used to delight at the fact that he was my grandfather when I was little. He has been a truly beloved grandfather to me, almost like a second father. I've grown up with him and lived with him. Oh, how I miss him. How much we all realized that he was truly a blessing to all of us. I am dumbfounded at times still that he's actually gone, no longer here in this world. At the same time, I've come to accept his absence.. without much resistance or emotional toil. And I am so surprised at myself for being this way. But, I believe God called him to depart this world at His timing.

Actually, I am more at peace to know that he has gone.. not suffering from physical illness and dying anymore. Even more, I'm glad he's not in the place to worry, to fear, and to feel sadness anymore. This world is such a hard place to live.. We all need Christ, but how many of us actually realize that? And even so, how many of us actually strive our best to make our life worth it for Christ??

Even if we are physically living.. there's sheer magnitude of difference between those who are alert and alive in their spirit, and those who are dead in the spirit. Let's do our best to be alive.. truly alive and free the way God created us to be.

I have been struggling to overcome my sense of hopelessness and doubt. "Help me overcome my unbelief."Why do I have such things? I don't know exactly.. but perhaps from the spiritual dryness I've been experiencing for a prolonged period of time. There is definite dryness in norcal, and dryness within me. This is the cause of my sense of loss when we're already into the 3rd week of school. On and off, up and down.. HOWEVER, the good news is that I am being restored, and I hope and pray that I will soar on wings like eagles someday.

Regardless of where I am, what condition I'm in.. I am thankful for God's grace. Even this sense of awareness of my weak faith, I am thankful for. As I come to realize my moral failings, my weaknesses, it allows greater dependency and greater faith and desperation for God's real divine presence and power. And now the challenge for me is to seek Him at all cost and at all time.. instead of being stuck in this pitiful state of self-remorse. That is the real challenge for me.. to pick myself back up and be striving my best for him, learning to be faithful even at times of uncertainty. Please pray that I won't get tired, but that GOD would miraculously be my rest and my strength, both physically and spiritually.