관계

관계는 왜 이렇게 힘든것인가요?

너무 사람이 힘들다. 쉬운사람이 아니다.

내가 너무 힘들어진다.

그사람이 문제일까, 내가 문제일까?

내가 노력해도 되는일은 아니다.

무언가가 바껴야된다.

나도 잘하는것 많이는 없지만.. 그를 보면, 한가지 있다. 항상 힘들어 한다, 이해해 주길 바라고 그렇다. 힘든상황에 쳐해있다.. 하나님의 나라를 위해 힘들게 고생을 하고있다. 하지만, 과연 정말 하나님을 위해 하는것일까.. 주님께서 주시는 방식과 그가주는 힘으로 하는것일까? 만약그렇다면 쉼이라는 하나님께서 주시는 진정한 쉼과 자유를 누리지 않겠는가? 그것이 남에게도 좋게 보여지고 남에게도 샬롬이 전해지지 않는가?

사람의 노력이 아닌, 그 이상. 노력많이 다가 아니지 않는가. 포기도 하는법이고 무엇인가를 항상 성취해가는것보다.. 남이 보이지 않는곳에서도 속마음 깊이 드릴수 있는 예배자의 마음..

내가 그렇게도 못 보는건가? 사람을?? 4-5년동안 알았던 사람을??

stupid me

wow, can't believe it.

I feel like I've been fooled all this time. Rather, how foolish of me to trust in man..

It's ALL FOOLISHNESS

not worth it, really not

feeling pretty much betrayed, broken, and abandoned

Thankfulness

I am truly thankful for life.

But truly for God and His family =) Thankful for cornerstone*

<3

It was a very beautiful day. Mom and Me

...

I don't think I know how to deal with what I'd call "the real world". I have a fear of the world-- as cowardly as that sounds, I sorta do. But I know that once I get myself out there, I'll realize that it's not so bad after all. 

It's just that, I'm really a reserved person. And it's killing me. I don't know how to voice out what is really inside of me, and that frustrates others around me. I am just so used to directions and instructions (perhaps?).. to a point that I don't know how to make a way for myself, on my own. I'd much rather someone tell me what to do (not all the time).

나도 참 답답하다. 좋은 writer됬으면 좋겠다. 그보다 사람들에게 나의 마음을 제대로 전달하는 사람이 되었으면 좋겠다. 나는 욕심쟁이-- 내가 원하는 데로만 할려고 한다. When things are not as what I would want or desire, I don't TRY to venture forth. And that's being STUBBORN.

큰 문제: 행위를 취하는것. Get moving.

그리고 또 한 문제: losing interest in just about everything.. 

And ultimately, not able to offer my life as a true and living sacrifice. 

인내심

오늘 처음으로 수요예배를 나갔다. 소중한 말씀은:

하나님께서는 우리에게 인내를 요구한다

인내하는것은- 오래 참는것, 나의 의지를 내려놓는것, 하나님만 바라보는것.

인내하면서 믿음을 더 키울 수 있게 해주시는 것이다.

그렇지만 인내한다는 것은 결코 쉽지않고.. "살을 깍는 아픔"이 있다.

하지만 힘들면서도 계속 붇잡고 간구하고 하나님 앞에 나아가는것이...

 믿음을 넓혀간다는 사실. 잊지말자!

 

LOVE

I came across this quote yesterday.

According to G.K. Chesterton, "Many a man has been lucky in marrying the woman he loves. But he is luckier in loving the woman he marries."

Random post, but this is =)

sigh*

how much damage could a few seconds do??

A LOT.. 

goodness, if only we could turn back time 24 hours ago.

but it's alright, it's a great wonder what you can do in a modern world such as this.

because now I've ended up with a...

CLEAN SLATE! starting with a clean newer one! Thank u, and I've learned my lesson.

Hopefully, never to repeat the same mistake. Goodness- what we go through for a new computer.. this better be worth it!!!

DECISION

God, why do you have us make decisions??
Is this a season for making decisions? I know there are many areas in our lives, no matter how minuscule, that involve our own discretion all the time. Yet I am a person that has a hard time with bigger decisions. Or at least that's what I think..

You KNOW me better than anyone else. I am utterly afraid at times to have a say. Of course not all the time.. I have a stronger opinion towards others and their lives.. but I never seem to get the courage to have an opinion for my own life.

Where? is the question.
And For What?
Time is of essence. (really)

Help me to just get moving right now. And grant me wisdom and discernment!!!
Your timing is so important. Speaking of timing.. something happened today. It is pretty funny if you think about it. But it was not funny at the time..

There was a planned get-together with family and relatives for our mom's early b-day celebration. I guess it was planned awhile back and only recently have we been reminded. So, we start reminding each other about it.. Dad alerts mom and my sister, my mom has my sister check her text message on the phone, my sister in return tells us the time and the place-- all was correct except for the date. Somehow someone in our family began to think it might be today, and then the misinformation got carried on, penetrating our own minds. And we didn't bother to recheck the dates..
So all of this miscarriage of info is taking place while we get ready for "tonight's" dinner. We wonder why none of our relatives are calling us.. but we still get ready anyways. Finally we rush to the restaurant and find out there isn't any reservation under the name! How odd. We then call up a relative who supposedly made the reservation. She says she has, and that she even got a confirmation number. We ask her if she is sure. We ask her the place and time.. which was correct. So we just stand there wondering.. until mom decides to recheck the text message with the date. "Are you serious?" That was our first reaction..
To see whether the reservation was indeed tomorrow, we get confirmation from the restaurant worker. We don't dare bother calling our relatives. It was a very very sad moment.. all of us walking out of the restaurant-- dumbfounded.. and no one to blame but ourselves.
I was personally just really exasperated and angry--I don't know why, I wasn't mad at anyone in particular. It was just my anger flaring up. (this is my bad side) Everyone else was just a bit silent. We decide to go to a nearby Indian restaurant. There we unwind and my mood gets better.
Afterwards, we decide to walk around perusing.. to fill up the 1.5 hour we put upon our parking meter. We go to get some chocolate Eunice really craved that day. Then to Barnes! There I bought a Christian book (For Women Only) that GSN suggested us to read. Cuz my parents had Barnes card, I was able to get the book for a bit less-- that little discount made me feel better. Not to mention feeling good in general cuz you buy a book for yourself!!

AHH* So though we made a stupid mistake, which could have had greater consequences if the situation was more grave.. it was an opportune time for the whole family to have a night out. But still, it was a mistake I wish we hadn't made.

I think God looks at us, shaking His head.. we busy oursevles so much that we don't even realize that we miss God's timing. Sometimes, it's an honest mistake.. but sometimes we are just purly disobedient.. following our own hearts and desires. I'm sure this happens many many times. If only we could keep still and listen, spend more quality time with Him, our lives would have much more purpose and meaning to it than what we could ever do with it. How foolish we are, thinking we KNOW all things, thinking this world is everything. GOsh, there's SOO much more to God's world.. and I am DESPERATE to know and experience that.

Philippians 3:12-14
Not that I have already obtained all this, or have already been made perfect, but I press on to take hold of that for which Christ Jesus took hold of me. 13Brothers, I do not consider myself yet to have taken hold of it. But one thing I do: Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead, 14I press on toward the goal to win the prize for which God has called me heavenward in Christ Jesus.

time time time

It's 3:26am and what am I doing?? "nothing much".. really "wasting my time" when I should be studying. I just finished a take-home final which i turned in, and now I should be studying for my other final that will start at 5pm tomorrow (or really today).

But you know what?? I really really don't care much about these finals. I care in the sense that I don't want grades to ruin my gpa, and I don't want all my work in class to go in the drain. Yet, I really don't give a hoot to the subject-matter of these classes. FYI, my classes are called: social theory, sociology of work, sociology of entrepreneurship, and nutritional science. I am interested in what I learn, but I get pretty sick of things early on. And studying and working on papers is really too much for me.

I wish I could be those people who can put no time and effort into homework, papers, finals and still do pretty well. But if you give me anything to do, I will just always spend hours on it.. no matter what it is. Why?? I don't know, that's just my habit of doing things. I really wonder why I even try so hard right now. This is more bad than good.

It's ok though. Cuz I've learned to put my guard down and sometimes it's not that I spend hours working intensely on things. I just take my time, and do some other things. And I was just blogging now to put my mind off from that horrid final all about innovation and entrepreneurship. Sick of it now.. why do people make a study out of it?? I just hope I can put this into use someday.. (hehe)

anyways, must sleep.

this world

needs God, no doubt about it.
Why? because evil is so rampant.. and we all are weak enough to become sucked into it.

Beginning of all things

'Tis the season.. of school!
As much as I relished at the thought of being back at school, being busy and useful, I haven't had much time to be prepared for all the drastic changes.. All is going by in such a blur at times. I've been wondering why that is.

Well, there was the death of a beloved family member: my grandfather. His name is John Vanderwerff. Grandfather John was my Dutch step-grandfather.. and I used to delight at the fact that he was my grandfather when I was little. He has been a truly beloved grandfather to me, almost like a second father. I've grown up with him and lived with him. Oh, how I miss him. How much we all realized that he was truly a blessing to all of us. I am dumbfounded at times still that he's actually gone, no longer here in this world. At the same time, I've come to accept his absence.. without much resistance or emotional toil. And I am so surprised at myself for being this way. But, I believe God called him to depart this world at His timing.

Actually, I am more at peace to know that he has gone.. not suffering from physical illness and dying anymore. Even more, I'm glad he's not in the place to worry, to fear, and to feel sadness anymore. This world is such a hard place to live.. We all need Christ, but how many of us actually realize that? And even so, how many of us actually strive our best to make our life worth it for Christ??

Even if we are physically living.. there's sheer magnitude of difference between those who are alert and alive in their spirit, and those who are dead in the spirit. Let's do our best to be alive.. truly alive and free the way God created us to be.

I have been struggling to overcome my sense of hopelessness and doubt. "Help me overcome my unbelief."Why do I have such things? I don't know exactly.. but perhaps from the spiritual dryness I've been experiencing for a prolonged period of time. There is definite dryness in norcal, and dryness within me. This is the cause of my sense of loss when we're already into the 3rd week of school. On and off, up and down.. HOWEVER, the good news is that I am being restored, and I hope and pray that I will soar on wings like eagles someday.

Regardless of where I am, what condition I'm in.. I am thankful for God's grace. Even this sense of awareness of my weak faith, I am thankful for. As I come to realize my moral failings, my weaknesses, it allows greater dependency and greater faith and desperation for God's real divine presence and power. And now the challenge for me is to seek Him at all cost and at all time.. instead of being stuck in this pitiful state of self-remorse. That is the real challenge for me.. to pick myself back up and be striving my best for him, learning to be faithful even at times of uncertainty. Please pray that I won't get tired, but that GOD would miraculously be my rest and my strength, both physically and spiritually.

hello world =)

I'm kind of a late starter perhaps in blogging. I've done the old usual things like xanga back in the day. Stopped doing much of that for awhile... perhaps a whole 4 years? or more?

Anyways, I'd like to freely just jot down my thoughts here, being purely myself. But I'd also like to take the time and effort to write and post here things that could be more relevant to the world. What I mean by that is.. I don't want to bore whoever the reader is.
You see, throughout most of my life I've been always in the habit of writing in a personal journal. This was of course for personal use, and the only other people who've read my entries are my family. They, for some reason, love reading them. Whenever I read my old journals and past entries, I feel like I'm suffocating! That's because.. I tend to write in a way that is very personal and subjective, full of emotions and deep deep thoughts. This by no means is bad... but if that's your only component, your writing lacks much flavor. I want to make this blog definitely different from what I'm normally used to doing. Therefore it will take much effort on my part, but I'm excited to push myself.

Perhaps I should introduce myself briefly. I am currently going to be enrolled in what I hope to be my last year as an undergrad at UC Berkeley. I'm Korean American. I've come to grow fond of the the Bay Area during the past 3 years I've been living here. But I do enjoy all the various places I've had the experience of living in... such as North Carolina, Seoul Korea, Anaheim (OC), Redondo Beach, Pasadena, etc. I absolutely cannot get sick of traveling. I've had the fortunate experience of traveling because of mission trips to mainly East Asia and Brazil. I have been blessed in many ways because of family, friends, and the Christian community God continues to provide in my life. I love my family, my friends from all walks of life, and I am striving to love God most. As you can tell.. I am a Christian, believer and follower of Christ. And this path is definitely hard and narrow, but God is absolutely gracious and abundant in His love for not just me but for this world. And I deeply desire to learn and inherit his heart as mine. As I become older and more mature, I realize how weak and small I am in comparison to this vast world.. yet with greater clarity, I am understanding the workings of this world.. and it becomes smaller and more understandable at the same time.